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lilythepink

Blessed are the cracked ....

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lilythepink

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity,

here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Woolworth's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom)

"Do not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

==========================

On Pick n' Pay's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

===========================

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine –

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

==========================

On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding

"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

=================================

On a Clicks hair dryer - Do not use while sleeping.

(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================

On a bag of Simba Chips --

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary!

Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

===========================

On a bar of Dove soap -

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be???....)

============================

On some Checkers frozen dinners -

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(please note that it's just a suggestion.)

========================

On the packaging of a Rowenta iron -

" Don't iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me time?)

==============================

On Nytol Sleep Aid –

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(..I'm taking this because???....)

===============================

On some brands of Christmas lights of Eastern origin:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to what?)

==========================

On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(Now, somebody out there, please help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

==============================

Instructions on a SA Airways packet of peanuts -

[1] Open packet;

[2] Eat nuts.

(Step 3: say what?)

===========================

On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(Don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

========================

On a German chainsaw .

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

===========================

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JANDS
On a German chainsaw .

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

 

Okay...I seldom spray tea over my monitor.....wipe wipe.....ROFL

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JANDS

I

nstructions on a SA Airways packet of peanuts -

[1] Open packet;

[2] Eat nuts.

(Step 3: say what?)

 

Wonder if Tchaikovsky got inspiration from SAA? "Nutcracker suite" goes to a whole new dimension. :blink:

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kyle2

I've heard of chainsaw juggling, but adjusting the chain with ones genitals? Maybe Wayne could explain how his hairy mole does it?

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Not1CentMore

My favorite...

 

Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice

 

....on the back of d-CON Mouse Bait.

 

Uh, like, uh, I was planning as using it as a 'seasoning' for burgers!

 

Ruthie

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kebs

Hehehe... Here's another one - on a packet of steak flavoured dogfood I bought recently - a serving suggestion like you get on a packet of chips - the dog chunks, taken in a photo, next to a giant steak... Yes, my dogs will ignore the steak that I don't even buy for myself & go for the artificailly flavoured chunks!?:blink:

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Guest Guest

You started something Jan :)

 

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

 

In a Fijian Doctor's reception (image right):

Non genuine sick sheets are not issued here.

 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

 

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

 

In a Norwegian lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

 

In a Brisbane (Australia) train:

Message for the blind... brail that reads "speak when the light flashes"...

 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

 

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

 

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

 

In a hotel room in Moscow:

If this is your visit to the USSR you are welcome to it.

 

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

 

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

 

In a Czechoslovakian toutist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

 

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

and another....:

As for the trout served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praises to your Grandchildren as you lie on your death bed.

 

English translation beneath a Chinese sign at a toilet for the disabled in Beijing:

Disabled peopley purpose

 

At a steep flying-fox ride over a dam near the Great Wall of China, outside Beijing:

People of horrifying height and liquor heads not permitted

 

In a tailor's shop in Seville:

Order now your summer suit, because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 

In a hotel in Dar-es-Salaam, Tanzania:

A room with a view of the sea or the backside of the country.

 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

 

In a shop window in Suva, Fiji Islands

Ears pierced while you wait

 

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

 

In a clothing store in Brussels:

Come inside and have a fit.

 

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

 

In a Vienna Hotel:

In case of fire do your utmost to alarm the hall porter.

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

 

In a German (Leipzig) Elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up.

 

In a hotel in Madrid:

If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence please cry out for the chambermaid.

 

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

 

In a Sorrento Hotel:

Contact the concierge immediately for information please do not wait last minutes when it will be too late to arrange any inconveniences.

 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

 

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

 

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today -- no ice cream.

 

In a Swedish furrier:

Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

 

In a German Hospital:

No children allowed in the maternity wards.

 

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

 

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

 

In a Lisbon Hotel:

If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. This will be enough for you to bring your food up.

 

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

 

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

 

In an Athens Hotel:

If you consider our help impolite you should see the Manager.

and: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between 9am amd 11am daily.

 

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

 

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

 

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

 

In a Japanese Hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

 

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

English well talking.

Here speeching American.

 

Enjoy

 

Scott Balson

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