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lilythepink

Please say this won't happen to us ...

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lilythepink    10
lilythepink

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

 

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses...

 

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

__________________________________

 

An elderly gentleman called 911 on his mobile phone to report that his car has been broken into.

 

He was hysterical as he explained his situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried.

 

The operator said, "Stay calm: An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "He got in the back-seat by mistake.."

______

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

______

 

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife wasin a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

 

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..

 

"To get my teeth!"

________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out: "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

 

____________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

_________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!" Vernon says, "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

_________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

 

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a fewmore minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Edited by lilythepink

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oaks and acorns    10
oaks and acorns

~digs heels in and backpedals~ Nuh-no, nope, absolutely not, and no-o-o-o!

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svw    10
svw

My parents both in their early eighties live with us - OH BOY!

 

My kids now refuse to drive in the car with my mom - twice recently she went down a one way - the one incident could have been extremely serious - four lanes of traffic heading straight for them - her answer to it all was to ramp the pavement never mind the pedestrians and continue driving until the next intersection.

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oaks and acorns    10
oaks and acorns

...0^0...

Edited by oaks and acorns

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Cali Craft and Gems    10
Cali Craft and Gems

In reply to svw - as my hubby would say: "but I am going ONE WAY so what's the problem?"

 

Bless his soul - my dear grandfather was driving (although not "well") right up to the day before he had to go for surgery to amputate his leg (he was 86). Had many hair-raising experiences with him as the driver over my lifetime, but am eternally grateful for everything he did for me (especially when I was without transport!). In all his 68/70 years of driving he never received one ticket, nor had any accidents until a few months' before he passed away. He was coming back from a dinner function alone "late" one night (8pm) and as he was pulling out of the side street a "youngster" sped past him overtaking into oncoming traffic which gave Grandpa one hell of a fright so he swerved to avoid the idiot and took out a low sign post instead! He was so angry with himself and Gran never let him go out at night alone again!

 

Gran never got her license, but I remember in the early eighties my mom tried to 'teach' her which was apparently an experience all on it's own (why am I not surprised?). She got as far as going for her driver's test but being nervous as hell put the car into first instead of into reverse and politely collected the wall in front of them. Needless to say she failed and never tried again.

 

But I saw something in a magazine recently which put it quite perfectly - the elderly are not bad drivers, they are just the only ones on the road who have the time to do the speed limit!

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Cali Craft and Gems    10
Cali Craft and Gems

But on a lighter note:

 

Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day.

 

One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his 'thing'. He decided to do something about it.

 

He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his 'thing'.

 

A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this 'thing' sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.

 

She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. "Well," she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"

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svw    10
svw

After the last incident - when she ramped the pavement she also half ripped the exhaust off the car - my dad has also realized that her driving is not up to par anymore and he seems to be taking over all the driving - fortunately his driving is still fine, for the time being

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MsPlod    10
MsPlod

Then again...

430389_322721861118227_100001412461769_950424_1652646123_n.jpg

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mellowred    10
mellowred

Ai, luckily we are all only as old as we beleive we are.

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alloway65    10
alloway65

I do believe in mind over matter....but if the mind goes then it does not matter!!!!

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