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lilythepink

Voldermort! What a start to the week-end .... lol

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voldermort
Voldermort! What a start to the week-end .... lol

 

Lol, I know I know, but the Big Mac vs French Fry part just had me laughing so much I had to share.........

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alloway65

Short Joke

 

What do you call a man with a small ***** ???

 

Justin !!!

 

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Cali Craft and Gems

A Indian man excitedly tells his mom that he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I am going to marry. "The next day, he brings 3 women into the house and sits them down and they chat for a while. He says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" The mother replies, "I don't like her."

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Cali Craft and Gems

A drunk man arrives late home. He knows his wife won't open the door so he decides to pretend he bought her flowers and knocks at the door.

Wife: Who is it?

Drunk: I bring flowers for the PRETTY lady .

The wife opens the door & says: Where are the flowers?

Drunk: Where is the pretty lady?

 

(and we can all guess what happened next... LOL)

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voldermort

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

 

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alloway65

[TABLE=class: MsoNormalTable]

[TR]

[TD] Government Departments

A guy applies for a job at a new South African Government Department.

The interviewer asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'

'Yes!' the guy says, '...a landmine blew my testicles away!'

'O.K. you're hired!' the interviewer announces, 'Working hours are from 8 till 5 o'clock. Make sure you're here by 10 every morning!'

Puzzled the guy says '8 till 5 , why do you want me to come in only at 10?'

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'the first two hours we just sit around scratching our balls......no point in you coming in for that....!'

[/TD]

[TD]

[/TD]

[/TR]

[TR]

[TD=colspan: 2]

A South African Librarian

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian takes one look at him and says

' Voetsek, who's gonna bring it back?'

A Major Earthquake

A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale hit Nigeria this morning. 350 000 Nigerians have died and over a million have been reported injured. The country is totally ruined and the government does not know where to start with providing help.

The rest of the world is in shock; Canada is sending troops to assist the country. Europe is sending food and money. South Africa is sending 350 000 replacement Nigerians.

 

The Weakest Link

 

In response to the popularity of The Weakest Link, Kyknet will be launching an Afrikaans version. After many months of creative brainstorming, they have managed to come up with a catchy version of: 'You are the weakest link - goodbye.'

The producers have settled on what will surely become a popular phrase, applicable to many other situations too .........

'Jy's dof - fokof!''

 

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

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admin

A Tall Klipdrift Fishing Tale

 

I went bass fishing this morning at Groendal Dam,

But after a while I ran out of bait.

Then I saw a puffadder with a dead lizard in its mouth.

Lizards are good bait for bass.

 

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the lizard in its mouth,

I grabbed it right behind the head, took the lizard,

And put it in my bait bucket.

 

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

So, I grabbed my bottle of Klipdrift and poured a little brandy into its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, and he went limp. I then released him without

incident and carried on fishing, using the lizard as bait.

 

A little while later, I felt a nudge against my foot.

I looked down and there was that same snake

With two more lizards in its mouth.

 

Life is good in Africa .

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wayjen

ha ha ha

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alloway65

The Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

A sign read: 'Don't Miss IAN The Amazing Scotsman'.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on center stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign: 'Don't Miss IAN The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

‘You’re incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

‘Well Laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.

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Cali Craft and Gems

Boy whispers to his mom during a wedding:

 

Boy: "Mommy?"

Mom: "What?"

... Boy: "Why is the girl dressed in white?"

Mom: "Because this is the happiest day of her life."

Boy: "So why is the boy dressed in black?"

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alloway65

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."

 

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alloway65

You won’t hear from me for a while mate.

Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.

 

 

………

 

 

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND.

He’s still wondering how to pick it up!

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alloway65

1. Money cannot buy happiness but, somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the *******'s name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

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lilythepink

What did the one Blackberry owner say to the other?

 

Nothing!!

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voldermort

[h=6]Advantages Of Being A Woman

 

Why it's better to be a Woman!

 

1. We got off the Titanic first.

 

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

 

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

 

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

 

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

 

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

 

7. Taxis stop for us.

 

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

 

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

 

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

 

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're g a y.

 

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE g a y.

 

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

 

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

 

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

 

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

 

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

 

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

 

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

 

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

 

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

 

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

 

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

 

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

 

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

 

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

 

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

 

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

 

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.[/h]

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MsPlod

Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates

the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

 

You step into an armored booth that will not X-ray you,

but will detonate any explosive device

you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone,

with none of this cr@p about racial profiling.

 

It will also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

 

Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

"Attention to all standby passengers,

we now have a seat available on

flight 670 to London. Shalom!"

Brilliant!

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booksallsizes
310146_224479630940315_100001348395169_598581_971473523_n.jpg

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alloway65

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

 

G*d went to the Zulus and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

And the Zulus asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

 

So He went to the Coloureds and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Coloureds wanted an example, and the Lord said,

"Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

 

He went to the Whites and said, "I have Commandments."

The Whites wanted an example and the Lord said,

"Thou shalt not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

 

He went to the Indians and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

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alloway65

BUILDERS WAREHOUSE

Fred asked his wife Mary if she would go to Builders Warehouse and pick up a hinge.

 

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the employee to finish serving a customer,

her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap set.

When the employee was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap set?"

The employee replied, "That's a gold plated tap set and the price is R4999.00

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap set. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The employee said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the employee yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap set."

This is why you can't send a woman to Builders Warehouse…….

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booksallsizes
tumblr_ltduraZccx1qa5z1ro1_400.jpg

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admin

Old Chinese Proverb

 

Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot

find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the:

 

153455_111025210735_book_store.jpg

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Guest Guest

Hysterically and Historically funny!

 

tumblr_ltduraZccx1qa5z1ro1_400.jpg

Hysterically and Historically funny! - ROFLMPO!!!!!!:laugh:

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