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TS Ron

A new school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the

local schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

 

>>>> She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are

by allowing him to ask you a question."

>>>>>>>>>>The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.

>>>> He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

>>>>>>>>>>For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare

at him blankly. Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The Inspector points excitedly to him.

>>>>>>>>>>Sipho stands up and says: "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls

of Jericho, but I am innocent."

>>>> The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation.

She says: Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if

he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

>>>>>>>>>>The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to

the principal's office and tells him what happened.

>>>>>>>>>>The principal replies: "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then

with his teacher and I believe her. If she feels that the boy was not

involved, then he must be innocent."

>>>>>The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on

the principal's desk and dials the Minister of Education. He relates the

entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in

the school.

>>>>>>>>>>The Minister sighs heavily and replies: "Eish wena. You know I am very

busy. I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get three

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Guest Guest

Education...

 

I just saw that it was posted! Sorry! Please trim it back...

 

 

A new school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local

schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

 

She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by

allowing him to ask you a question."

 

The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.

He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho ?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at

him blankly. Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The Inspector points

excitedly to him.

Sipho stands up and says: "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of

Jericho , but I am innocent."

 

The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation. She says: Well, I've

known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says

that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

 

The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to the

principal's office and tells him what happened. The principal

replies: "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with

his teacher and I believe her. If she feels that the boy was not involved,

then he must be innocent."

 

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the

principal's desk and dials the Minister of Education. He relates the entire

episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the

school.

 

The Minister sighs heavily and replies: "Eish wena. You know I am very busy.

I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get three quotes

and have the wall fixed."

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spyker64

The Vicars Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a

larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

 

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

 

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up

and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every

year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their

children!'

 

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

 

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,

if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and

establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school

education for all of his children!'

 

More sighs and loud applause.

 

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'

 

There is total silence.

 

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you

to say that?'

 

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his

forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking

his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,

'F*** him'.

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spyker64

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist whoshared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients..As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

 

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

 

The room erupted in applause

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spyker64

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

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DestinysAngels

Law & Order...

On a visit to Malawi , at the airport Mr Zuma is met by the country's Minister of Harbours. All of a sudden Mr Zuma realizes that this is absurd, this country has no harbours as it is landlocked. He is very puzzled and decides to find out what the story is. At the official state banquet later that night, he leans over to the president and asks: 'Mr President why do you have a Minister of Harbours when you don't have any harbours?' The president looks Mr Zuma straight in the eye and says: 'Well, you know that may be true Mr Zuma, but I was just as puzzled as to why you have a Minister of Law and Order?'

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DestinysAngels

Good night around the world

HOLLAND : Goeden nagt

AUSTRALIA : Night Mate

USA : Goodnite

 

SOUTH AFRICA :

 

Are the doors locked, are the windows closed?

 

Did you pull in the car and activate the alarm?

 

Are the Rottweilers on their post?

 

Sleep tight, don't worry, Eskom will switch off the lights !!

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Pierre_Henri

The Old Flame

 

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

 

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

 

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

 

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

 

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

 

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

 

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself"

So I told her to f#$% get lost !

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spyker64

Why Men Wear Ear Rings?

 

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

 

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

 

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

 

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, 'he replies sheepishly

 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

 

'Ever since my wife found it in my car.'

 

 

 

GIVE THAT MAN A BELLS!!!

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booksallsizes

58f5a72982ef4_hearingaids.jpg.f31f63f50b54867dd8f02e814d6dd6ee.jpg

 

!!!

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MsPlod

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

 

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather building materials for his home.

 

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

 

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

 

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

 

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!'

 

The teacher had to leave the room.

Edited by MsPlod
formatting...

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lilythepink

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

 

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

 

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

 

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

 

This went on for a day... and then 2 days… and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

 

"OK, I give up. What have you done with the ship?"

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MsPlod

The alligator hunter...

 

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

 

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

 

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, gun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.

 

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back

 

Then rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration....

'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!’

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lilythepink

The following are (purportedly) genuine clips from the Durban Council complaint letters:

 

 

 

  • My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 

 

  • He has this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

 

 

  • It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

 

 

  • I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

 

 

  • I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

 

 

  • And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 

 

  • I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was a bad wind the other night that blew them off.

 

 

  • My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

 

 

  • I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

 

 

  • Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she’s pregnant.

 

 

  • I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 

 

  • 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

 

 

  • I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

 

 

  • The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

 

 

  • Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

 

 

  • Our lavatory has broken in half and is now in three pieces.

 

 

  • I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his c*ck wakes me up and it’s now getting to much for me.

 

 

  • The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

 

 

  • Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

 

 

  • I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

 

 

  • Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

 

 

  • I have had a clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

 

 

  • This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get SABC2.

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retailrush

@ Lily - Thanks for the good laugh - some of these are hilarious! (I am still laughing....)

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voldermort

[h=6]Six Truth’s in Life

 

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck.

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will Share this with another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face. I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. :bigsmile:[/h]

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wayjen

2 blondes walk into a building. You would think that at least one of them would have seen it.

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voldermort
2 blondes walk into a building. You would think that at least one of them would have seen it.

 

maybe they didnt see it cos they were both sticking out their tongues & looking skywards??

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wayjen

yes Sam, maybe they were looking for flying pigs.

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lilythepink

IMPORTANT OPERATION ...

 

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Son, don't be nervous, just do your best and, if the surgery doesn't go well and I don't make it, just remember, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

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voldermort

[h=6]Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:-Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm;- Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights,I Want It Now,Someone Else Is To Blame,I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[/h]

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alloway65

A man goes into a bookshop and asks the young female clerk:

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title."

 

 

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

 

The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy”

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alloway65

Zoo Keeper

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.. What can he do?

Feed….them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..

 

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lion’s cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another Lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish & Chimps with Mushy Bees".

Corny, I know!!!

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voldermort

[h=6]Song for the ladies....... At first i was afraid , i was petrified! when u said u had 10 inches, well i almost died! but id spent so many nights just waiting for a man that long, that i grew strong and i knew i could take u on... But there u are ,another lie, I was ready for a Big mac and u brought me a french fry! :suspicious: I should have known that it was bullsh!t , a sad pathetic dream! should have known there was no anaconda lurking in ur jeans! Go on now - go - walk out the door, dont u promise me 10 inches and then turn up with 3..... weren't u a fool to think i wouldnt find out?

Dont u no we are only joking when we say that size dont count? I will survive oh yeah.......as long as i have batteries my life is going to thrive! i will survive i will survive HEY HEY !.[/h]

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