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MiemsJewels

Boobs & boude

 

:rolleyes:58f5a726e1635_familyofsaartjamp105.jpg.9abf906f95f76a0ec094336a5356218e.jpg

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lilythepink
:rolleyes:[ATTACH=CONFIG]1681[/ATTACH]

 

Good grief! Absolutely revolting.

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MiemsJewels

 

 

 

Jane and Arlene

 

 

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

 

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

 

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet

 

Arlene: Where did you get it?

 

Jane: You can get them at any chemist

 

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms

 

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers

 

"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"

 

The pharmacist fainted !!

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spyker64

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle

from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer

complaints."

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spyker64

How do these people survive?

 

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you t hink they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

 

 

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 000 very worr ied asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer....'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

 

 

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

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spyker64

Gatiep, A Cape Coloured goes into a brothel in Kaapstad one night and Finds himself a Lady of the night . He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour meisie?" "R100," she replies.

 

So he asks, "awright do you do Coloured style?" She says "No!" He then Asks her, "I'll pay you R200 to do it Coloured style?" She again says No, not knowing what Coloured style is! So he then offers herR300.

Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you R500 to go Coloured style with me!" Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every

 

Kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad Could Coloured style be?"

 

So she goes ahead and has s.e.x with him, doing it in every kind of way And in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours They finish. Exhausted, the Lady of the night turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting Something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Coloured style come In?"

 

Gatiep replies... "I'll pay you the end of the month!"

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spyker64

BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

 

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - my personal favourite!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So wh at? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

 

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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spyker64

Think before you do!!!

 

A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.

 

While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...

The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.

After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them...

She decked him!

He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'

 

'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'

 

 

 

 

Edited by spyker64

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TS Ron

A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Limpopo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

 

The driver, a young black man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

 

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

 

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

 

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van .

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

 

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

 

'You're Julius Malema, head of the Youth League for the ANC Party', says Van .

 

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

 

'No guessing required.', answered the farmer . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.

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JPBon

The Queen and Dolly Parton

Die on the same day and they both go

Before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,

So the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular

Reason why she should go to Heaven.

 

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these,

They're the most perfect breasts *** ever created,

And I'm sure it will please *** to be able to see

Them every day, for Eternity.'

 

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty

The same question. The Queen takes a bottle of

Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

 

Then, Her Majesty wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

 

The Angel says, 'Okay, your Majesty, you may go in.'

 

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

I show you two of ***'s own perfect creations and

You turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?'

 

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

 

A Royal Flush

 

Beats a Pair -

 

No Matter How Big They Are!

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JPBon

The New sign outside my house:

58f5a7273b5c9_263692_219889158042amp.jpg.d8539b7f82715d54bdd37d5d9bcec02c.jpg

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MiemsJewels

Roger's Homemade chilli....HYSTERICAL

 

 

 

WARNING: ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

 

I went to Builders Warehouse recently while being not altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my friend Roger's patented 'you're definitely going to "mess" yourself!', road-kill chilli.

 

Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement'.

 

 

Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Builders Warehouse, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.

 

 

Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping in items for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh-Oh...Sh#t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

 

 

The thing is, this pain was different... The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.

 

 

I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a yellow apron'd clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

 

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

 

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

 

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each laugh a new explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a noxious cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

 

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable, 'floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD', purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b*&ch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then hurriedly left.

 

Once finished I left the restroom and re-acquired my partially filled cart fully intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

 

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with themanager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked, none-too-kindly,not to EVER return.

 

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Mica Hardware......

Writer - Unknown

 

 

 

 

 

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MiemsJewels

The Love Dress

 

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door

then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying

on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of

perfume filled the room.

 

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

 

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law

answered.

 

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

 

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

 

"Love dress? But you're naked !"

 

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites

him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes

romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

 

The mother-in-law left.

 

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed

the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her

husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her

lying there so provocatively.

 

"What are you doing?" he asked.

 

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

 

"Needs ironing ," he said. "What's for dinner?

 

He never heard the gunshot.

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voldermort

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that is was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

 

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"

 

 

 

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday ...

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MiemsJewels

MEN ARE NOTROMANTIC!!! PERIOD!!!!

SMS BETWEEN 2 LOVERS :

SHE SENDS THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE :

My love if you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you’re smiling, send me your smile.

If you’re crying, send me your tears.

I LOVE YOU

HE REPLIES:

 

EK IS OP DIE TOILET!! WAT MOET EK STUUR?? :oops::oops::oops:

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spyker64

Bob and wife

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and

plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she

takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and

brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she

know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,

starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him

For someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4

Letter Word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

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alloway65

Here's a little poem for you older Bobers.

 

 

Another year has passed

and we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter

and winter seems much colder.

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There was a time not long ago

when life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand

about 'Living in the Past'

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We used to go to weddings,

football games and lunches.

Now we go to funeral homes,

and after-funeral brunches.

 

We used to have hangovers,

from parties that were ***.

Now we suffer body aches

and wile the night away.

?ui=2&ik=1ea68c3e7d&view=att&th=130d03cb300a6cda&attid=0.5&disp=emb&zw

We used to go out dining,

and couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,

come home and take a pill.

 

We used to often travel

to places near and far.

Now we get sore asses

from riding in the car.

?ui=2&ik=1ea68c3e7d&view=att&th=130d03cb300a6cda&attid=0.7&disp=emb&zw

We used to go to nightclubs

and drink a little booze.

Now we stay home at night

and watch the evening news.

 

?ui=2&ik=1ea68c3e7d&view=att&th=130d03cb300a6cda&attid=0.8&disp=emb&zw

That, my friend is how life is,

and now my tale is told.

 

So, enjoy each day and live it up...

before you're too damned old!

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MiemsJewels

A drunken coloured man, walking past a river sees a priest baptizing his people and decides to go for a baptism.

 

The priest baptizes his people by dunking their heads into The water

and asks, "Have you seen J***s?"

The people respond "Yes, I've seen J***s".

 

When it was the dronkie's turn, the priest dunked his head into the

water and pulled him out and asked him "Have you seen J***s?"

 

 

He said no, so the priest put his head back into the water For a few

more seconds and again asked "Have you seen J***s?"

 

 

The dronkie replied "No old man."

 

Angrily, the priest dunked his head for a much longer time And pulled

the drunkard's head out and asked him "Have you seen J***s?"

 

 

The drunk replied,

"Ekse my broe,..........

are you sure he fell into this river?"

Edited by MiemsJewels

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spyker64

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!":cheesy:

 

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spyker64

Origin of the White Wedding Dress

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

' Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

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TS Ron

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter

comes downstairs for her date

with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit,

telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her

'Loosen up Grams.

These are modern times.

You gotta let your rose buds show!'

and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,

and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother

that she has friends coming over

and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says,

'Loosen up,

Sweetie.

If you can show off your rose buds,

then I can display my hanging baskets.

04C982E2FCF347DA9348BD01819D2B9F@amandaPC

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MiemsJewels

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

 

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

 

 

Customer says , 'Female.'

 

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

 

 

Customer says , 'White.'

 

 

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

 

 

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

 

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

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MiemsJewels

My Dear husband:

 

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to KwaZulu Natal together! Have a great life!

 

Reply

Dear Ex-wife,

 

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the R499.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed R500 from me that morning.

 

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 102 million Rand Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

 

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

 

So take care.

 

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

 

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

I hope that's not a problem.

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spyker64

BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer. There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

 

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'

--Tim, 7 years old

 

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'

--Melanie, 7 years old

 

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

--Grady, 7 years old

 

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

--Toby, 7 years old

 

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

--Sarah, 7 years old

 

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

--Lily, 7 years old

 

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'

--Ethan, 7 years old

 

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

--Shirley, 7 years old

 

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

 

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

--Jack, 7 years

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spyker64

Arme Brakpan, is dit regtig so erg???

 

A Brakpan girl goes to Home Affairs to register for child benefits.

"How many children?" asks the assessor?

"Ten" replies the Brakpan girl.

"Ten?" exclaims the Home Affairs worker. "What are their names?"

"All is Kosie

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Brakpan girl. "It’s great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout ‘Kosie, YOUR SUPPER'S READY’ or ‘Kosie GO TO BED NOW’ and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Home Affairs worker.

"That's easy," says the Brakpan girl... "I just use their surnames".

How do you know you're staying in a Brakpan Motel?

When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink”, and the clerk replies: ‘Go ahead’.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Brakpan to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Brakpan murder:

1. The DNA is all the same

2. There are no dental records

Who invented the toothbrush?

A Brakpanner … If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teethbrush …

Did you hear about the R3 million Brakpan Lottery?

The winner gets R3.00 a year for a million years.

A new Brakpan law was just recently passed..

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Did you hear that the Brakpan Mayor's mansion burned down?

Ja, almost took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Mayor hadn't even finished colouring one of them!

Brakpan Pick-up lines:

1. "Your pretty eyes is laaik spanners... Evrie taaim I looks at you, my nuts taaiten"

2. " Jou Pa se tollie moes seker 'n chillie gewees het, want jy's hot!!"

What do you call a woman wearing a white tracksuit in Brakpan on a Saturday afternoon?

The bride ......

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