Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
admin

Jokes... Post your JOKES here....

Recommended Posts

brands online

:amuse:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TS Ron

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

husband stalking around with a fly swatter

 

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

 

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

 

"Oh! Killing any?"

She asked.

 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

 

Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"

 

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TS Ron

FIRST TIME SEX

 

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to

meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

 

 

Since th is is such a big event, the girl announces to

her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make

love for the first time.

 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so

he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the

pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for

about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex.

 

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he

will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house

and meets his girlfriend at the door.

 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A

minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head

down.

 

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea

you were this religious..'

 

 

The boy turns, and whispers back,

 

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lilythepink

More puns ...

 

On a military hospital door to the colonoscopy department, "To expedite your visit, please back in."

 

On a plumber's truck, "We repair what your husband fixed."

 

On the trucks of a local plumbing company, "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

 

Pizza shop slogan, "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

 

Another Pizza shop slogan, "Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

 

At a tyre shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."

 

At a dry cleaners, "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

 

At a towing company, "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 

On a maternity room door, "Push. Push. Push."

 

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

 

In a podiatrist's office, "Time wounds all heels."

 

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 

At the electric company, "We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

 

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

 

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 

And don't forget the sign at a propane filling station, "Tank heaven for little grills."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

Tourist signs from around the world...

 

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

 

In a Fijian Doctor's reception:

Non genuine sick sheets are not issued here.

 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

 

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

 

In a Norwegian lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

 

In a Brisbane (Australia) train:

Message for the blind... brail that reads "speak when the light flashes"....

 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

 

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

 

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

 

In a hotel room in Moscow:

If this is your visit to the USSR you are welcome to it.

 

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

 

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

 

In a Czechoslovakian toutist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

 

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

and another....:

As for the trout served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praises to your Grandchildren as you lie on your death bed.

 

English translation beneath a Chinese sign at a toilet for the disabled in Beijing:

Disabled peopley purpose

 

At a steep flying-fox ride over a dam near the Great Wall of China, outside Beijing:

People of horrifying height and liquor heads not permitted

 

In a tailor's shop in Seville:

Order now your summer suit, because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 

In a hotel in Dar-es-Salaam, Tanzania:

A room with a view of the sea or the backside of the country.

 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

 

In a shop window in Suva, Fiji Islands

Ears pierced while you wait

 

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

 

In a clothing store in Brussels:

Come inside and have a fit.

 

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

 

In a Vienna Hotel:

In case of fire do your utmost to alarm the hall porter.

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

 

In a German (Leipzig) Elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up.

 

In a hotel in Madrid:

If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence please cry out for the chambermaid.

 

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

 

In a Sorrento Hotel:

Contact the concierge immediately for information please do not wait last minutes when it will be too late to arrange any inconveniences.

 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

 

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

 

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today -- no ice cream.

 

In a Swedish furrier:

Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

 

In a German Hospital:

No children allowed in the maternity wards.

 

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

 

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

 

In a Lisbon Hotel:

If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. This will be enough for you to bring your food up.

 

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

 

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

 

In an Athens Hotel:

If you consider our help impolite you should see the Manager.

and: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between 9am amd 11am daily.

 

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

 

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

 

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

 

In a Japanese Hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

 

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

English well talking.

Here speeching American.

 

Kind regards

 

Scott Balson

Edited by ndoa18

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lilythepink

HEALTH MESSAGE:

 

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.

 

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

----------------

 

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can...

 

Three weeks later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says; "What the hell was that all about?!!"

 

----------------

 

A guy meets a tart in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for R500, as long as you can say it in three words."

 

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays five hundred-rand bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

 

----------------

 

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says.

 

The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to pee in the boat!"

 

----------------

 

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs..."

 

----------------

 

Two snowmen are standing in a meadow... One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"

 

----------------

 

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

 

----------------

 

So, I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris..." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin..."

 

----------------

 

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

----------------

 

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

 

----------------

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

 

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lilythepink

LOVE THE IRISH ...

 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

 

*****

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

 

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

 

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

 

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

 

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

 

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

 

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

 

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

 

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

 

*****

Paddy was in New York .

 

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

 

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

 

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

 

*****

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

 

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

 

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

 

*****

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

 

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

 

'Just water,' says the priest.

 

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

*****

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lilythepink

PADDY & MICK AGAIN ...

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your plane!"

 

Paddy and Mick are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm gonna have the day off - I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the foreman.

"I can't work in the dark!" says Murphy!

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

 

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"

 

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the United States’ prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

 

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

 

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

 

 

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Wow!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

 

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

 

 

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

- Always check your child's homework -

 

 

1..JPG.1b9ab8c9baeb318f3cfc32b15b554501.JPG

Here's the reply the teacher received the following day...

Dear Mrs.. Jones,

 

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

 

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,

 

Mrs. Smith

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
booksallsizes

Elections Coming Up!!

 

 

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

 

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

 

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

 

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the man.

 

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.

 

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

 

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

 

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

 

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

 

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

 

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises …

 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

 

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

 

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

 

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

 

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '

 

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

 

Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.

 

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

 

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning ...

Today you voted.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

PO..jpg.9fa838636a4b2990542835df5b630b80.jpg

 

A picture tells the shortest joke ;-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lilythepink

You're so right, Edmund - and a picture paints a thousand words!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

jimmy..jpg.d97bf5941d3c2a8b0881bdc972c116fa.jpg

 

I'm so sure that this one is not fiction.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
spyker64

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

 

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. . . Never really wanted to."

 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

 

The old prospector-- not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

 

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

 

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

 

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

 

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

 

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

 

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir. . . . But. . . I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lilythepink

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of R5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the R5,000. She gives him back his R5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

PG!!!!

 

Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.

 

So it's for real?!

 

 

Norma-Stitz-3..jpg.c5a9be7de095ce06356751edd77fd9d8.jpg

 

100% TRUE FACTS: She can’t walk down steps unaided, she can’t sleep on her back and she can’t fit into a normal plane seat. But the woman with the biggest breasts in the world has vowed never to have them reduced. This is the 10th year running that mum of two Norma Stitz – that’s her stage name – has been in the Guinness Book of Records with her enormous Size 102ZZZ chest.

Da-a-ang!!! I pass!

 

PS It's from Google.com!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lilythepink

Good Golly Miss Molly! You do manage to find "them", Edmund! ROFL

 

But imagine the back problems this women will have to face in the not too far distant future. Ouch!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
spyker64

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,

he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

‘I have just the thing,’ says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. ‘Just place this between your cheek and gum.’

 

The client places the ball in his mouth and begins to give the man the closest shave he has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech ‘And what if I swallow it?’ ‘No problem,’ says the barber.

‘Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!’

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
spyker64

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JPBon

Woman asks:

 

If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a ****.

But when a man sleeps with 8 girls,

everyone calls him a real man. How come?

 

 

Man replies:

 

It's very simple. Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.

But when one key can open 8 different locks, we call it a master key'.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
lilythepink

Testimony From St Louis Courts (USA)

 

Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

--------------------------------------

 

From a defendant representing himself:

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

---------------------------------------

 

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

---------------------------------------

 

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

----------------------------------------

 

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

-----------------------------------------

 

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SKooB

How do you make a SWISS ROLL?

 

 

 

 

 

Throw him down the Alps!

(drumroll)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SKooB

Did ya hear about the Irishman who blew up a bus?

 

Poor fella, burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe!

 

How do you make a SWISS ROLL?

 

 

 

 

 

Throw him down the Alps!

(drumroll)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TS Ron

A mother had 3 virgin daughters...

 

They were all getting married within a short time period.

Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt...

 

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

 

The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

 

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

 

It said: "Good till the last drop”.

 

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

 

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

 

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

 

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

 

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town...:o

 

Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing....

 

Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"

 

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

 

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted!!

 

________________________________________________________________________________________

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...