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ka69

A bunch of political activists/Economic Freedom fighter types are on a roadshow in the far reaches of the Northern Cape to emancipate the farm workers when the right front wheel of their buss hits a pothole. The tyre bursts and the buss flips over onto it's side, fortunately at relatively low speed. One of the occupants rips out his iPhone 5 and phones the local emergency services/police.

 

About three hours later the EMS/Police arrive and find oom Boet, the farmer whose farm is adjacent to the scene of the accident, calmly surveying the scene. Khaki hat pulled low over his suntanned face, one elbow leaning on his 19 voertsek Toyata Hilux. Faded rugby shorts, old high school rugby socks and vellies. The very image of calm and contentment, you get the picture.

 

The chief of police and EMS personnel jump out of their vehicles and rush to the bus, picturing horrific injuries by the busload, but finds not a single soul.

 

Chief of police asks Oom Boet:" Did you see what happened here. Where are all the injured?"

 

Oom Boet calmly replies :" Ja I saw, terrible accident, Ihad to have them all buried."

 

Chief of police, looking at the minor damage to the buss and only one or two drops of blood :"Are you sure, all killed?"

 

Oom Boet :" Ja, all killed. Some of them tried to argue, but you mos know how these politicians can lie!"

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Not1CentMore
Fake-boobs-bald-men-joke.gif

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Cali Craft and Gems

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" ...

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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zerohour

1. As some of you are aware i do the odd bit of horse riding and i thought i would share with you this cautionary tale.

 

A SADF Marine narrowly escaped serious injury when he attempted horseback riding with no experience. After mounting the horse unassisted, the horse immediately began to move.

It galloped along at a steady rhythmic pace, the Marine (who has not been named) began to slip sideways from the saddle.

2.

Although attempting to grab the horses mane, the Marine could not get a firm grip, he then threw his

arms around the horses neck, but continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse oblivious of the slipping rider.

Finally losing his grip the Marine attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.

...However his foot became entangled in the stirrup, leaving him at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.

moments away from serious injury and death to his great fortune a paratrooper, shopping at checkers saw him and unplugged the horse....

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MiemsJewels

WARNING ABOUT BID-OR-BUY

 

Be careful what you buy on Bid-or-buy.

 

If You buy stuff online, check out the seller carefully.

 

a Friend Barry, has just spent R995 + R200 shipping on a pen*s enlarger.

 

The seller sent him a magnifying glass!

 

The only instructions said "Do not use in direct sunlight"

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JANDS

Patience is a virtue? Why is "HURRY THE F**K UP!" not a virtue?

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MiemsJewels

Week at the Gym

 

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

 

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular

workout routine.

 

 

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the

local health club.

Although I am still in great shape

since being a high school football

cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and

give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named

Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and

model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club

encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well

worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek ***-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a

dazzling white smile. Woo

Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the

skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout

today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already

aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be

a FANTASTIC week!!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Christo

made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put

weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the

full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a

whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter

and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in

both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I

parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club

members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and

when he scolds, he gets

this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair

monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered

obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and

enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

 

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his

thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a

half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and

hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any

other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,

anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could

move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if

you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or

anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir

director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice

wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want

to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even

use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather

Channel..

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GO D that this week is over. I will also

pray that next year my husband

will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if Go d had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the

floor with diamonds!!!

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Cali Craft and Gems

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

 

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, ... One for me...'

 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

 

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

 

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

 

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

 

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

 

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

 

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

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wayjen

From my Father who art in Joburg.......

 

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the

celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of

last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in

good condition?"

 

 

|

|

|

V

 

 

 

 

 

"..Sticks?" Paddy replied.

 

 

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wayjen

[TABLE=align: left]

[TR]

[TD][TABLE=width: 100%]

[TR]

[TD=width: 99%]

Frank feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to,

and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her,

he talked to the family Doctor, to discuss the problem.

 

The Doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform,

to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

 

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,

and, in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on, until you get a response.'

 

That evening, Frank's wife is in the kitchen, cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

 

No response.

 

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats,

'Peg, what's for dinner?'

 

Still no response.

 

Next he moves into the dining room, where he is about 20 feet from his wife, and asks,

'Honey, what's for dinner?'

 

Again he gets no response.

 

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away

'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

 

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

 

(I just love this)

 

 

 

'Frank, for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!'

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

 

 

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staccato

[h=5]A farmer has three daughters who all have dates tonight.

The doorbell rings and the farmer answers it, the boy says,"Hello i'm Joe, i'm here for flo, we are going to the show, is she ready to go?" so she comes down and leaves with Joe. The doorbell rings again and the boy says,"hello i'm chetty, i'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?" and so they leave together. the doorbell rings a third time and the boy says,"hello my name is chuck..." The farmer shot him![/h]

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wayjen

ha ha ha ha ha ha

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Little Miss Muffet

So why did the farmer shoot him? Am I missing something?? :rolleyes::oops::blush:

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Cali Craft and Gems

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10 cent coins to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

 

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

 

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 cents but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly... tighter and tighter!!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10 cents, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

 

"No," the woman replied. "I am with the Receiver of Revenue."

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Pierre_Henri

A young boy from the Cape Town flats enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

 

“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

 

The barber puts a R5 coin in one hand and two R1 pieces in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

 

“Which do you want, son?”

 

The boy takes the two R1 coins and leaves.

 

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the two R1 coins instead of the R5?”

 

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Meneer, daai dag as ek die R5 vat issie game verby ..."

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lilythepink
So why did the farmer shoot him? Am I missing something?? :rolleyes::oops::blush:

 

Oh dear, Pam. You do make me laugh. If you're serious about not having understood this joke, just give me a call and I'll try and explain it to you (in between much laughter!)

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Pierre_Henri

The Ballerina

 

A tall, thickset woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "Which man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

 

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "Which man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina".

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Pierre_Henri

A catholic priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

 

“I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o’clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay".

 

Then I say: ‘I’ve already paid your colleague who has left.’ "Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave.”

 

The rabbi is impressed, and says: “Let’s try it together this evening.”

 

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.

 

Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

 

The priest just says: “I’ve already paid your colleague who has left.”

 

And the rabbi adds: “And we are still waiting for the change!”

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alloway65

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

 

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

 

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

 

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

 

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

 

When she returned with tea and scones,

 

They began to chat.

 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

 

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

 

Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

 

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

 

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

 

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

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Not1CentMore

Reckon this is one way to cut down on the laundry!

 

423831_10150489323286734_591446696_n.jpg.f4446878a10bdbde8b160e1c4bcd8d02.jpg

 

Ruthie

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lilythepink

Good grief, Ruthie. What do you do when you come across people like this in your Walmart? :wink:

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Pierre_Henri
Good grief, Ruthie. What do you do when you come across people like this in your Walmart? :wink:

 

You give them a final goodbye wave ..

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