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Jokes... Post your JOKES here....

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MsPlod
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booksallsizes

Brilliant!!!

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MsPlod

For Kyle2

 

Loved this!58f5a72fde913_dachshundeyecontact.jpg.13a0965ce367433809a13db9af9c98ee.jpg

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mellowred

Fooitog. :smile:

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admin
153455_120324183836_robbed.jpg

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wayjen

ag nee man!!

 

ha ha ha ha

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kyle2

Punographics

 

 

- when chemists die, they barium.

 

- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

- I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

 

- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

 

- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

 

- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 

- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

 

- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

 

- They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

 

- PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

 

- Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

 

- We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

 

- I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

- Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 

- When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

 

- Broken pencils are pointless.

 

- I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

 

- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 

- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

 

- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

 

- I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

 

- All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

 

- I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

 

- Velcro — what a rip off!

 

- A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

 

- Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

 

- The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

 

- Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

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oaks and acorns

During a visit to a mental hospital a journalist asked the doctor, "How do you determine whether to admit a patient or not?''

 

"Well", says the doctor, "we fill a bath tub and give a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bath tub."

 

The journalist says, "Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger."

 

"No!", says the doctor, "A normal person would pull the drain plug."

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voldermort

[h=6]A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

 

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

 

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

 

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment..... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... in no time.'

 

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,

she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

 

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

 

There was stunned silence...

 

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered![/h]

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HDMI

Back in the days we used to drive on the left side of the road. Nowadays,we drive on what's left of the road.:grin:

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Cali Craft and Gems

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. ......"That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

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Jongleur

For the girls ................

 

pregnancy.jpg.8af12b6cc66fd6f3669f381a57d122db.jpg

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Cali Craft and Gems

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they

haven't got tickets.

 

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and

... ... walks to the gate.

 

"McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

 

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over

his shoulder.. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault"

and in he walks.

 

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and

tucks it under his arm.

 

"O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."

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Cali Craft and Gems

Oops...

 

oops.jpg.758275846690a6b1a147ffaa4acd70d0.jpg

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spyker64

The Mexican Maid

 

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset aboutthis and decided to talk to her about the raise.

 

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

 

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wannaincreaze."

 

"The first is that I iron better than you."

 

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

 

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

 

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

 

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook thanyou."

 

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

 

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

 

Wife increasingly agitated:

 

"Oh he did, did he???"

 

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in thebed."

 

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

 

"And did my husband say that as well?"

 

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."

 

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Edited by spyker64

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Guest Guest

Just met two people quarrel: one said, "you do the video site", another person more angry and said "you do e-commerce". I could not help but curious to ask them "What do you mean?" "Shouting match over it, are the Internet in huge loss! !" they replied. I quickly head down and walked away. . . . .by Qiangdong Liu - CEO of China largest B2C website

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kyle2
Just met two people quarrel: one said, "you do the video site", another person more angry and said "you do e-commerce". I could not help but curious to ask them "What do you mean?" "Shouting match over it, are the Internet in huge loss! !" they replied. I quickly head down and walked away. . . . .by Qiangdong Liu - CEO of China largest B2C website

 

?

I think I am at a loss......

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alloway65
?

I think I am at a loss......

 

That's a relief I thought I was the only one....I was getting worried!!!!

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MsPlod

Aaaa haaaa!!!

58f5a738f0c28_catwoman.jpg.527ee068c6b313149932f4d28b4de927.jpg

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spyker64

[TABLE=width: 100%]

[TR]

[TD][TABLE]

[TR]

[TD]EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .

'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady?s dress and began

to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong

one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,

San Francisco

 

 

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the

patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,

Seattle, WA

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her

husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the

family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long

have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about

twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-

Corvallis , OR

 

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple

hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and

wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the

patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediateurgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the

staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was

a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

 

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the

patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

 

Submitted by RN no name,

 

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

1 MORE

 

Baby's First Doctor Visit

 

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the

doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and

examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked

if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

 

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

 

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts

for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

 

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is

underweight. You don't have any milk.'

 

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

 

 

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

[/TD]

[/TR]

[TR]

[TD]

[/TD]

[/TR]

[/TABLE]

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spyker64

Aussie Blond Joke for 2012

 

A blonde was on holiday, driving through Darwin.

 

She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but

was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of

one of the shopkeepers,

The blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

 

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

 

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

 

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the

side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

 

Just then, he spots a huge 3 meter croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 3 more of the dead creatures,

all lying on their backs.

 

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The

blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes

heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........

 

 

" SH*T, SH*T, SH*T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

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Cali Craft and Gems

(@ admin - if too inappropriate, please remove)

 

Saw these on the traffic site on FB and had a good chuckle...

 

Teacher to Julius Malema.... "Spell Ambulance"

Julius: "A.....M...B...U"

Teacher: "Faster!!!"

Julius: "Wew! Wew! Wew! Wew!"

 

... A traffic cop pulls over a drunk coloured and says "Sir, can you get out of your vehicle please."

Drunk driver replies "Masekind ek's te dronk, klim jy in.."

 

Two unemployed afrikaaners see a notice at a police station: Two blacks wanted for rape.

One say to the other: "F¤kken darkies kry al die lekka jobs"

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lilythepink

A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.

 

 

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. Marketing was the key to my success."

 

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

 

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of R15,80"

 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million Rand.

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JANDS

I enjoy succint jokes, so here goes. Politicians.

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admin

A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

 

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

 

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France ."

 

He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, what's your business role at this convention?

 

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

 

"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"

 

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Red Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

 

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."

 

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

 

"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends call me Frikkie."

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