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Jongleur

mayans.jpg.3e1c0d7be7edc29a5060f7d64a239ebf.jpg

 

My kind of joke.

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voldermort

[h=6]This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

 

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

 

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking SAA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"SAA?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

 

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of SAA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

 

He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"[/h]

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booksallsizes

58f5a72d2b1ab_onenight.jpg.dad54af5a64c148b90a5827c965b7c24.jpg

 

:-)

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kyle2

How The Internet Really Began!

 

The Origin of The Internet

 

You might have thought that you knew how the

Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ....

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by

the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself

a young wife by the name of Dot.

 

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of

shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often

called Amazon Dot Com.

 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost

thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods

when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

 

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were

several saddle bags short of a camel load, but

simply said: "How, dear?"

 

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns

and drums in between to send messages saying

what you have for sale, and they will reply telling

you who hath the best price.

 

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery

made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

 

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot

have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out

and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the

goods he had at the top price, without ever having to

move from his tent.

 

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing

what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

 

It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS),

and she also developed a language to transmit

ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

 

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia

did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to

siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon

discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as

doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

 

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican

Sybarites, or NERDS.

 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches

and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed

that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum

dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

 

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would

work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

 

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is

being taken over by others."

 

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay

as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that

reflects what we are."

 

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

 

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

 

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious

Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started

using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

 

It soon became known as G0D's Own Official Guide to

Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

 

And that is how it all began.

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voldermort

Very wise words indeed, unfortunately too many people end up catering to the wrong wolf......

 

Words.JPG.a344c23bea02a0015dc246fcd1805fdd.JPG

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Jacques Kuun

Thanks Samantha...

 

Something to keep in mind every second of the day.

 

Keep well and regards

 

Jacques

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MiemsJewels

BOB.jpg.127db1910465b48d1b5cd62a69ff734d.jpg

 

And..........BOBS youre Uncle!!

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MiemsJewels

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist whoshared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients..As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

 

 

 

 

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

 

 

 

 

 

The room erupted in applause

BOB.jpg.2326d277ab2439e17b790c3f34942b85.jpg

Edited by MiemsJewels

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Cali Craft and Gems

The Japanese invented a machine that catches thieves. They took it to different countries for a test.

• USA in 30 min it caught 20 thieves

• UK in 30 min it caught 500 thieves

• Spain in 20 min it caught 25 thieves

• Ghana in 10 min it caught 6000 thieves

• Uganda in 7 min it caught 20000 thieves

• Kenya in 8 min it caught 30000 thieves

• SA in 5 min the machine was stolen...

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Cali Craft and Gems

anger.jpg.3130d055f5414125ca26e3cb29e822ee.jpg

 

If only this would work for some of us sellers... :)

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Cali Craft and Gems

Valentine's Day is in 6 days time! Remember to break up to save money! ;)

 

 

 

(Don't bite my head off for this one... saw it on FB and thought it was funny!)

 

But seriously... instead of wasting money on yet another commercialised "day", consider making a donation to a charity or animal shelter... they need it far more than the shops!

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TS Ron

[TABLE=class: MsoNormalTable, width: 107%]

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[TD=width: 100%]Only in Cape Town

 

1: The fruit seller walks up to the car and says:

"Peske, Peske. Lekke peskes. Net vyf rand virrie laanie."

The guy in the car says:"Is hulle soet?"

The fruit seller says:"Dja menee, kyk hoe stil sit hulle!!"

_________________________________________________

2: The guy selling snoek on the corner shouts:

"Hiers djou snoek"

The guy in the car says:

"Wat vra julle vir daai snoek?"

The guy replies:

"Ons vra hulle niks, wil djy hulle iets vra?"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

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[TD=width: 100%, bgcolor: transparent]4: Gatiep en Maraai sit innie bus in Cape Town toe die lady opklim "with a face made up to kill" eksê: bloed roei lips, "seven layers of base" en silke "massive eyelashes" dat sy nie ees haar oe kan oep maakie.

Daars nie oep seats, so sy skeem sy hang maar aan die leather strap.

"Hei Gammat," se Gatiep, "kom offer djy nie die lady'n seat?"

"Nei," skeem Gammat,"a painting moet mos hang."

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________

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5: Every morning when the English teacher came to the Afrikaans students to give them an English lecture she greeted them as follows;"Good morning class!"and every time only one boy would get up out of the whole class to greet the teacher in return. This happened time and again until she decided to call him up to her desk and ask him loud enough for everyone to hear:

"Why is it that every time I greet the whole class, only you stand up to greet me?"

 

He replied to the teacher in English :"It are'cause I are the only person here what's name are Klaas!"

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Cali Craft and Gems

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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Jongleur
ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

 

Priceless

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MiemsJewels

THE JEWISH MISTRESS

 

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine

restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to

their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says

she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband

and says, "Who was that?"

 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I

want a divorce!"

 

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we

get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more

wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in

the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just

then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on

his arm.

 

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

 

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier," she replies

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lilythepink

Revised hits of the 60's ...

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

 

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

 

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

 

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

 

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

 

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

 

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

 

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

 

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

 

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

 

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

 

Abba--- Denture Queen.

 

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

 

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

 

And my personal favorite:

 

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

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booksallsizes

:cheesy:

 

uni.jpg.57c8d3ac5b6ac3a93cd960ac824d58a2.jpg

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wayjen

ha ha ha ha

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lilythepink

THE WITTY DICTIONARY

 

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye

 

CANNIBAL:

Someone who is fed up with people.

 

 

 

 

 

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

 

 

 

 

COMMITTEE:

 

 

 

 

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

 

 

 

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

 

 

 

 

 

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

 

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

 

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

 

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

 

RAISIN:

Grape with a sunburn.

 

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

 

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

 

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

 

 

 

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

 

 

 

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

 

 

 

and last but not least.....

 

WRINKLES:

Something other people have,

similar to my character lines.

 

 

Edited by lilythepink

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Vinyl Lady Decals

Let this be a lesson to you all…

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ” Happy Birthday.”

I thought…

Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…

They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ”

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered…

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day…

We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?”

She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ” Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake …..

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked!!!!

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wayjen

ha ha ha ha ha ha

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alloway65

TOMMY COOPER

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

 

2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

 

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

 

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.

 

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.

 

6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.

 

 

7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

 

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

 

10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'

 

11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '

'Is it common, doc?'

'Well, it's not unusual.'

 

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

 

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Oh, now, don't you start.'

 

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.

 

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.

 

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat *******!'

 

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

 

20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

 

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

Edited by alloway65

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oaks and acorns

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

 

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh#@."

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Cali Craft and Gems

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio," replies the operator, "You have to use the politically correct terminology."

"OK," he says:

"Zulu... Tango... Sierra..."

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lilythepink

Sunday morning chuckles:

 

1. When AT&T fired President John Walter after only nine

months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership, he received

a $26 million severance package. And it’s supposed to be Walter

who's lacking intelligence?!

 

2. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting

to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his

home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers

discovered that the man was standing beside them in the

police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself

up."

 

3. An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a

motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated

teller machines, whereupon the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw

money from his own bank accounts.

 

4. A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas store and asked for

all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was

too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the

counter himself for three hours until police showed up and

grabbed him.

 

5. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery

suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.

When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the

words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man

shouted, "That's not what I said!"

 

6. In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested

for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. King used a

thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he

failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo!)

 

7. THE GRAND FINALE: Last summer, on Lake Isabella, located

an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks had a

problem with their new boat. Seems it was sluggish, no

matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of

trying to make it go, they went to a nearby marina, thinking

someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough

topside check revealed everything in perfect working

condition. The engine ran fine, and the propeller was the

correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in

the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water,

he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped

securely in place, was the trailer!

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