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MsPlod

The Obedient Wife

 

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

 

Just before he died, he said to his wife...

 

'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

 

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

 

Well, he died…..

 

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

 

'Wait just a moment!'

 

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

 

So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish

enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

 

The loyal wife replied,

'Listen, I'm a religious woman; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

 

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

 

'I sure did,' said the wife.

'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque....

If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

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retailrush

@MsPlod - this is one clever woman!!! LOL - I love it...

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Cali Craft and Gems

Apples and Wine

 

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the s**t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

 

:toung:

 

(sorry guys, but I couldn't resist!)

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lilythepink

PLACES I HAVE NEVER BEEN ...

 

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

 

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

 

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked. (I am heading that way again!)

 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too much on physical activity anymore.

 

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.

 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

 

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

 

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.

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Cali Craft and Gems

U HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD NURSE

 

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon . From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

 

 

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.

Edited by Cali Craft and Gems

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TS Ron

Jaaaaaaa broer!

 

 

Thank you for flying Cloud Nine Taxi Association Airways, what would you like to drink?

 

Do you have dry white wine?

Sorry sir, we only have wet white wine. What would you like to drink?

 

Give me a Grand Cru?

Sorry sir, but the ground crew they don't fly. What would you like to drink?

 

Do you have Bols?

No sir, but the Captain has. What would you like to drink?

 

Please give me a Captain Morgan.

Sorry sir, the captain is Tshabalala, but he is flying the plane right now. What would you like to drink?

 

Just give me coffee.

How would you like it sir?

 

Decaffeinated

 

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Guest Guest

XXX Picture - a first on BOB!

 

My hubby found this in his email outbox - who knows the origin thereof :shock::

 

you_are_here.jpg.8a1596e3222f3361221189b35b47f3d0.jpg

 

 

 

PS 1.jpg.1f9037b45f948c83e688ef10fa2779dd.jpg

 

Edited by Rooi lippies
Found another viewpoint photo!

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lilythepink

Oh dear, Rooi lippies! Oh dear!

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Cali Craft and Gems

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?.?.?.?.... It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands b4 the fight begins !

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Guest Guest
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?.?.?.?.... It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands b4 the fight begins !

Congratulations! Have you marry BOB?!

 

ca016.jpg.21c1a6a31df6662a9634f59d15b22d0e.jpg

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mellowred

Great one BallS - very typical of men - they live very uncomplicated lives. :cool:

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ATOMICSQUIRREL

its Silly....

 

"Two fleas are getting hammered in a pub, snot drunk they stumble out of the bar....the one flea jumps 40cm in the air and lands flat on his face...he gets up and screams.....SOMEBODY STOLE MY DOG!:biggrin:

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Pathway

It's also very funny. Absurd.

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lilythepink

[TABLE=class: MsoNormalTable, width: 834]

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[TD]ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

 

 

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

 

 

She immediately moved to another seat.

 

 

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

 

 

The man seemed more amused.

 

 

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

 

The case came up in court.

 

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

 

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

 

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

 

 

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

 

 

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

 

 

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,

 

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'... I just lost it.'

 

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

[/TD]

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TS Ron

[TABLE]

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[TD=width: 100%]This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

 

Look Paddy... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

 

 

 

 

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TS Ron

[TABLE]

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[TD]Old Motor!

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

 

 

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.

'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

 

 

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

 

 

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Edited by TS Ron

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jinxster78

A doctor was addressing a large audience.

"Red meat is bad for you," he told

the audience.

"Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

"Chinese food is

loaded with MSG.

"High fat diets are disastrous.

"No one knows the

long-term effect of germs in our drinking water," said the doctor.

"But one

food is the most dangerous of all and I bet every one of you has eaten it at

least once. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most grief for years after

you eat it?"

An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked,

"Is it wedding cake?"

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Cali Craft and Gems

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

 

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

 

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

 

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!!

 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

 

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

 

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

 

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

 

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

 

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

 

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

 

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

 

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

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lilythepink

WINDOWS VS FORD

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on...At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

 

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

 

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash... twice a day.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

 

I love the next one!!!

 

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

 

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

 

Edited by lilythepink

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Seeds for Africa

Quite appropriate for the time of year!

 

santa.jpg.f7e1b1d72b75569ff2bbd976c72a1980.jpg

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Dumdledore

Adam blames Eve

Eve blames the snake

The snake does not have a leg to stand on.

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TS Ron

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from , but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them.

 

 

 

Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

 

 

 

Just as his wife comes home, the Viagra kicks in and it's hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

 

 

 

"What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"

 

 

 

The cockatiel pants: "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs of a frozen chicken?"

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