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kyle2

Placebo..JPG.fc9b9486db023db3c5f74a9bd8140c5f.JPG

Waaaa hahahhahahahahhahahhaaahah

:grin:

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lilythepink

Some really ridiculous ads:

 

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

 

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

 

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers .

 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

 

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

 

Great Dames for sale.

 

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

 

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere and Chopin.

 

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

 

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

 

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

 

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

 

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

 

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere else again.

 

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

 

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

 

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

 

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

 

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,unrivaled inconvenience

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Cali Craft and Gems

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

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JPBon

stevie wonder was playing a concert in Japan. half way through the show, someone shouts up at him "play a jazz chord!!"

stevie hears this and glad that someone is aware of his extensive musical history, fires into a couple of jazz numbers.

at the end of these, the voice shouts up again "play a jazz chord!!"

stevie again hears this and blasts into some improv. jazz pieces and plays them with all his heart.

at the end of these, the voice shouts up one more time "play a jazz chord!!!"

stevie shouts out to the guy "look man, i've played all the jazz i know!! what song do you want me to play?"

the man says "A JAZZ CHORD!"

stevie says "i'm sorry, i don't know that one. sing some of it and i might be able to pick it up....."

 

with that the man starts singing.........

 

 

"I jazz chord..............to say............i wove you!!"

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JPBon

Afrikaans translations of some popular bands or singers

 

Bananarama - Piesangmargerien

Joan Armatrading - Johanna Wapenhandelaar

Johnny Rotten and the Sex Pistols- Jannie Vrot en die Pomprewolwers

Iron Maiden - Yster Sussie

Ladysmith Black Mombasa - Mevrou Smit se Swart Mambas

Four Jacks and a Jill - Vier Latte en 'n Platte

Queen - Moffie

Welcome to the Pleasuredome : Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Welkom by aventura : Frikkie

Gaan Fliek toe

Twisted Sister - Koeksuster

Ace of Base - Baas se As

Meatloaf - Vleisrol

Spice Girls - Kerriekoekies

Simple Minds - Dofkoppe

Bruce Hornsby and the Range - Barend Horing en die hele Reeks

Joe Cocker - ...dja, djoune ook!

Whigfield - Pruikveld

Hootie and the Blowfish - Tietie en die Blaasoppies

Huey Lewis and the News - Louis Luyt in die Nuus

Maria Carey - Meraai se Kerrie

Smashing Pumpkins - Platgemoerde Pampoene

Dire Straits - In die kak!

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JPBon

Why he now shops on BOB

 

A boer went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

"I would like to buy this TV," he told the salesman

. "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied.

 

He hurried home, took a shower, changed his clothes and combed his hair, then came back and again told the

salesman

 

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied.

 

"Bliksem, he recognized me," he thought. So he went for a complete disguise this time,

haircut and new color, shaved off the baard, suit and tie, fake glasses, then waited a few days

before he again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

" Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied.

Frustrated, he exclaimed "Jislaaik, man! How do you know I'm a boer?"

 

"Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.

 

Better go check the microwave sales now.

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MsPlod

This one

"I jazz chord..............to say............i wove you!!"

reminded me of this one...

 

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lilythepink

Absolutely hilarious - and what a screech from Ken Li! Good grief.

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Kit W

A policeman in Adelaide pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".

 

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

 

On it was written:

 

"This man suffers from chronic asthma.

Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

 

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

 

The man produced another letter.

 

This one said:

 

This man is a hemophiliac.

Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

 

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

 

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

 

It read:

 

"This man plays cricket for Australia; please don't take the piss out of him"

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Cali Craft and Gems

Two guys, Joe & Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

 

Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, "Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 

Bill replies, "I see millions of stars."

 

"What does that tell you?" asked Joe.

 

Bill ponders for a minute, and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant. What does it tell you, Joe?"

 

Joe is silent for a moment, then says, "Bill, Someone has stolen our tent..."

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lilythepink

Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

 

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

If you are paranoid-delusional, don't do anything. We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace your call.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No-one will reply and nothing will really change anyway.

 

If you have an Oedipus complex, have your mother help you press 2.

 

If you have attention deficit disorder, we can't help you because you have probably already hung up by now.

 

:wondering::wondering:

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retailrush

just in case you weren't feeling too old today

 

the people who are starting university this year were born in 1991.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included aids.

The cd was introduced eight years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had email.

They have always had cell phones.

They have always had the internet.

They have always had vcrs, and video cameras.

They have always had cable.

Popcorn has always been microwaved.

They never took a swim and thought about jaws.

Mcdonald's never came in styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 

Notice the larger type?

That's for those of us who have trouble reading ..

 

 

p.s.... Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

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lilythepink

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in ... nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "If I catch YOU, YOU are mine."

 

He lost 33 kilos that week.

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lilythepink

Life Explained ...

 

On the first day, G0d created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

 

So G0d agreed......

 

On the second day, G0d created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

 

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

 

And G0d agreed......

 

On the third day, G0d created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of

sixty years."

 

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

 

And G0d agreed again......

 

On the fourth day, G0d created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

 

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gaveback; that makes eighty, okay?"

 

"Okay," said G0d. "You asked for it so I will grant it."

 

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

Life has now been explained to you.

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DestinysAngels

Baby Making Humor!

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographerhappened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

 

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,

I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when

darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

 

'Tripod?'

 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

 

Mrs. Smith fainted!!!!

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retailrush

@ DA - Thanks for the chuckle!!

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DestinysAngels

:grin:My pleasure, enjoy!

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Cali Craft and Gems

I know we should try to avoid going "political" on the Forum, but I simply could not resist the below - especially after all the nonsense JZ has been stirring lately:

 

Jacob Zuma dies, and goes up to the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Zuma, "Do you feel like you deserve a place in Heaven?"

Zuma replies, "eish um shore."

So St. Peter offers a chance to spend a week in Heaven, then a week in hell, and after the two weeks he can choose.

So, first week in heaven, everything is bliss, calm peaceful and, well... Nice.

So off to Hell for a week. Some of his comrades are there, Julius leading the pack. They play golf, drink, party all night, the most beautiful women as far as the eye can see (with sushi on their naked bodies). The week flies by!

St. Peter asks Zuma what his choice will be? "Remember that this will be your final choice."

Zuma says, "eish, Heaven is great but I think hell will be more fun."

And in a flash he appears in hell. He arrives to a desolate barren waste land of pity, torture, hate and well, hell.

So he goes to JM, and asks, what happened to all the great stuff that was here???

"Ah, last week we were campaigning, this week you voted."

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BeadsandBaubles

Old age has it's advantages/

 

@ Cali Craft Haha luv it!:amuse::biggrin: Here's one back - just slightly soiled!

 

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

 

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

 

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

 

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

 

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

 

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

 

The moral of the story:

 

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

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DestinysAngels

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the ais les .

The sa les girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball

of

string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons

for

your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the

store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of

tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

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Cali Craft and Gems

I suffer from ADOS: Attention Defecit... Oooh, shiny!

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mellowred

Specally for Wayne - you're in trouble boojtjie

 

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...

And those who don't and are always

seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

 

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

 

In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink

1 litre of water each day,

At the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria Found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

 

However,

We do NOT run that risk when drinking Jack Daniels, wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

 

Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk shite, Than to drink water and be full of shite..

 

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service

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MrAerospace

I don't like water and never have. Perhaps because fish do funny things in it?

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MsPlod

Apologies to those who have seen this one before...

 

Woman is a man's best friend.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure

and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;

to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions

and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels

that he is the most beautiful man in the room

and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of Klipdrift.

It’s Klipdrift that does all that.

Sorry.:nuts:

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kyle2

two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

 

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

 

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

 

These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

 

the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,

'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

 

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

 

'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

 

'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'

 

'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

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