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Cali Craft and Gems

NOW imagine how my Mom felt or what her bed looked like in the old house when the cats had free reign of her bedroom and used to sleep with her - they had over 30 at that stage! Now the cat's have their own wendy house with many sleeping areas!

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MsPlod

Ummm... just in case you have never seen this before

 

This is what betrayal might look like (cat lovers especially)

 

 

Make sure you can read the captions, and have the sound turned on at least a little.

 

5049910-vi-2.jpg

PS - we aren't really supposed to chat in here.... LOL!!

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mellowred

Cat betrayed is brilliant ... I nearly wet myself laughing.

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admin

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the

conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more

than 150 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American

archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story

published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding

traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors

already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years

earlier than the British".

 

One week later, the Cape Times, in South Africa, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi, South

Africa, Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he

found absolutely flip all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years

ago, Africa had already gone wireless."

 

Just makes you darn proud to be from Africa !

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SProducts
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the

conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more

than 150 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American

archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story

published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding

traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors

already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years

earlier than the British".

 

One week later, the Cape Times, in South Africa, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi, South

Africa, Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he

found absolutely flip all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years

ago, Africa had already gone wireless."

 

Just makes you darn proud to be from Africa !

 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Am definately proud.

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mellowred

Brilliant Andries.

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MsPlod

This made me really miss KZN!!!

 

Bobby Naidoo, from Durbs, applies for a job as a salesman in a hyper store in Vrede in the Vrystaat.

The manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"

Bobby says: "S'true my larnie, I was a salesman back in Grey Street, Durban 'n all."

Well, the boss liked this boytjie so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Bobby says: "Larnie, Just ONE sale 'n all."

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'll have to do better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"

Bobby says: "R1,401,237.64"

Boss says: "Bliksem..........R1,401,237.64? Foggit man, what the hell did you sell him?"

Bobby stutters: "Sir, Larnie, Boss man, first I sell him the small fishhook. Then I sell him the medium fish hook. Then I sell him the large fish hook. Then I sell him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear n'all. Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he tunes down on the coast, so I'm tuning him he'll be needing a boat n'all in the Indian Ocean cause I'm Indian and I'm knowing this, so we trapped down to the boating department and I sell him a twin-engine, ocean-going craft. Then he said he didn't think his Ford Bantam would pull it and I'm saying true n'all, so I took him down to our jammy automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Hilux double-cab with a canopy n'all, my Larnie. I then ask him where he'll be staying n'all, and since he has no possi to kip, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about a R1000 worth of groceries and two cases of beer and I'm scheming that's lekka n'all and I gave him discount................"

The boss says: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Bobby tunes: "Nooit larnie, actually he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife, and I'm tuning him: "Well, since your weekends screwed n'all, you might just as well go fishing!":whistling:

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MsPlod

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

 

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

 

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet, where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

 

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

 

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,will you give me back my sheep?"

 

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

 

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

 

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.

Now give me back my dog."

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oryxza

A man writes a letter to the revenue service: "I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I have enclosed a cheque for R500."

 

"If I still can't sleep I will send you the rest"

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kyle2

If you ever get pulled over for speeding!

 

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

 

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

 

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

 

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

 

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

 

Officer: The car is stolen?

 

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

 

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

 

Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

 

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

 

Driver: Yes, mate.

 

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

 

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

 

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

 

It was valid.

 

Captain: Who's car is this?

 

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

 

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

 

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

 

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

 

Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

 

Driver: No problem.

 

Boot is opened; no body.

 

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

 

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying b@stard told you I was speeding, as well!

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Tjaart van der walt

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

 

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

 

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

 

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

 

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

 

The woman said, "That's okay."

 

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

 

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

 

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

 

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

 

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

 

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

 

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

 

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

 

 

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

 

Male readers: Please scroll down.

 

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

 

 

 

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

 

 

 

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

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lilythepink

Ever have to write a letter of recommendation for a less-than-adequate employee? Or, make a decision about hiring someone you aren’t sure of?

You never know when these key phrases might come in handy - or serve as fair warning!

 

Regarding an employee who is chronically absent:

"A man like him is hard to find."

"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:

"I feel his real talent is wasted here."

"We generally found him loaded with work to do."

"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

 

For an employee with no ambition:

"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."

"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

 

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

 

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

 

For a stupid employee:

"There is really nothing you can teach a man like him."

"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

 

For a dishonest employee:

"Her true ability was deceiving."

"He's an unbelievable worker."

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lilythepink

The Parrot

 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

 

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few moments the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

 

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "Might I ask what the turkey did?"

 

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE !!

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JPBon

Now we know how you trained the beak!

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lilythepink
Now we know how you trained the beak!

 

The Beak says to tell you he has never been inside the fridge or the freezer! Good grief. But he believes the parrot concerned was his second cousin's, twice removed, aunt's grandfather who went through this traumatic experience!

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Cali Craft and Gems

............----------.

........../______ (' \

....... ./``'''''''''''``\ .\

.......(__________).✺

........( / ‘ ◕ - ◕ ’ \ )

.......{ ( ( ) (_) ( ) ) }

......{ ; ,_.-")("-._,; }

........{░'--`==`--'░}

...,` '...-.░░░░░. -'...' `

../..(.........☀........)....\

.|..(..........☀.........)....|

.|.(_______☀______)...|

{_..|████{ S} ████|.._}

.|...\....( ░░░░░░ )../...|

..\ _/|........./\........| \_ /

.........(░░░)(░░░)

.. ....|████|.|████|

....__|████| |████|__

....(█████/...\█████

TEN Reasons Why We Know Santa Is A Man:

1. Dubious dress sense.

2. Never replies to your letters.

3. Minimal chance of getting what you ask for.

4. Proudly displays beer belly.

5. Will only commit to one day a year.

6. Obsessed with stockings.

7. He never stops to ask for directions.

8. Never shaves on holidays.

9. He always wears the same clothes.

10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and booze out for him ... and he doesn't wash the plate up after himself!!!

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Kit W

Morning sex - had to share this with the forum. lol

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

 

 

Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

 

 

The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

 

 

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

 

 

Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

 

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

 

 

Or this is going to be my lucky day!"

 

 

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

 

 

Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

 

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

 

 

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

 

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

 

 

"What was that all about?"

 

 

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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lilythepink

Some brain teasers:

 

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

 

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

 

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

 

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

 

If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

 

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how does TEFLON stick to the pan?

 

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

 

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

 

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

 

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

 

You know that indestructible black box they put on airplaines? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?

 

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

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admin

Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the…

 

153455_101217205214_book_store.jpg

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JPBon

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

 

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

 

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

 

"Two dogs, please," says one.

 

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

 

The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers ...cautiously: "What part did you get?

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lilythepink

Then there was the pretty young nun who was a dreadful alcoholic. Mother Superior had a difficult time with her as whenever she went into town she would come back inebriated. So Mother Superior told the nearest bottle store owner never to sell the nun any alcohol.

 

One day the nun went into that bottle store and insisted she needed to buy some alcohol. The bottle-store clerk told her he wasn't allowed to sell her any liquor. The nun insisted that the alcohol was for Mother Superior's constipation and it was needed urgently, so the clerk sold her a litre bottle of Cane spirits and off the nun went.

 

As the clerk was walking home after work that evening, he saw the nun hanging onto a light post in the street, swinging around and around it and singing "show me the way to go home". He said to the nun, "Sister, you have lied to me. Not only are you an alcoholic but you are also a liar. You said the alcohol was for Mother Superior's constipation."

 

"I didn't lie to you", the nun insisted as she still swung around and around the pole. "Mother Superior is going to sh*t herself when she sees me!"

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JPBon

  1. A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?"
  2. Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"
  3. I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
  4. I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  5. No one in the history of the world has ever purchased a fruitcake for themselves.
  6. No parent in their right mind would give a 6-year-old a drum set, therefore Santa exists!!
  7. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus..
  8. Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
  9. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
  10. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

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JPBon

WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

 

 

  1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
  2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
  3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
  4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
  5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
  6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
  7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
  8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
  9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

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JPBon

Press Release: Christmas Downsizing North Pole now dropshipping

 

Today's global economy require the North Pole to be more competitive. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

 

  1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
  2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
  3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
  4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
  5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
  6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
  7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
  8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
  9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
  10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
  11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
  12. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

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