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Bertman Trading

How to get a six pack....

 

Always dreamt of having a six pack? :

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Simply improvise.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

attachment.php?attachmentid=686&stc=1&d=1284626005

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Guest bob admin

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief of the tribe,

"Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have short names like Bill , Tex or Sam?"

His father replied, "My son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation."

"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected on the lake."

"Then there's your brother, White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse which gallops over the prairies appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people."

"It's really very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In Taiwan..?"

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MsPlod

Best blond joke

 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

 

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

 

Upon leaving, with their last $600 in her pocket, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

 

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

 

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

 

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

 

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

 

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

 

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

 

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

 

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

 

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.' :laugh:

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MsPlod

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

 

Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

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MsPlod

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them... :rolleyes:

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lilythepink

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro. "

"What do you mean it's illegal? " asked one Englishman.

"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman says disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons. "

"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are breakin'a the law ".

The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over we want to speak to someone with more intelligence! "

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come ". "He's a busy with two guys in a Uno ".

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Virgotec

Gatiep goes to his friends funeral. He walks up to the coffin, looks at his friend laying there and says: "Ja Pal, jy't nie in die hemel geglo nie, ook nie die hel nie. Nou lê jy hier.............."all dressed up with nowhere to go!"

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BMW_M3_CSL

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continue s to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more..'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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MsPlod

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinance pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

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MsPlod

Shrek's manicure set??

 

ATT00075.jpg :laugh:

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MsPlod

Management styles...

 

management.jpg

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MsPlod

How to find out whether something is true - or not

 

the%20truth.jpg

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MsPlod

Greed...

 

An eminent doctor successfully attended a desperately sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:

"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."

The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."

"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.

"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.

The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure. :meh:

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MsPlod

Team work...

 

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

 

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

 

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

 

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating the Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

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oryxza

At a couples conference the speaker mentioned that couples are so

disconnected that 85% of husbands don't know their wives favourite flower.

 

 

Koos turned to his wife and whispered: "Dis self-raising, nê?"

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admin

To Be 6 Again...

 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

 

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

 

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

 

Then it was off to a movie,popcorn, a soda pop and and her favorite candy, M&M's.

 

What a fabulous adventure!

 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

 

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

 

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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Bertman Trading

Top 10 funniest Jokes - researched and voted for....

 

10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '

 

 

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

 

 

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

 

 

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

 

 

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

 

 

5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"'

 

4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.

 

3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'

 

2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'

 

 

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

 

 

 

Read more: Researchers find the official 50 funniest jokes of all time | Mail Online

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lilythepink

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a spine-chilling “Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” and rode off

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

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kyle2

A little old lady came home from shopping and found a robber in her kitchen.

Scared and not knowing what to do, she raised her hand and quoted the Scripture "Acts 2:38." The robber froze in his tracks, so she called the police. When the policeman came, he saw this robber standing perfectly still and wondered what the lady had done. He asked her, and she replied, "I just quoted some Scripture." The policeman turned to the robber and said, "Why did that Scripture make you act this way?" The robber replied, "Scripture, what Scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s."

:razz:

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lilythepink

Strict Rules for Stray Cats

 

Here are some helpful rules for when you encounter a stray cat (personal note: they work equally well for stray dogs). Be sure to have lots of courage and determination when following these strict rules!

 

1. Stray cats will not be fed.

 

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

 

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

 

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, plus a few yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

 

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

 

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled.

 

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

 

8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

 

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

 

10. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to get up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

 

11. Stray cats will not be permitted to get on, or sharpen their claws on the really good furniture.

 

12. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on the new R499.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

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moppies

Little Larry

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

 

 

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

 

 

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

 

 

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

 

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

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MsPlod

Do you REALLY think it's YOUR bed??

 

catbedjoke.gif 646378xb7pmu4huz.gif

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lilythepink

Now imagine OUR bed with SEVEN cats! That is even more funny! :bigsmile:

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mellowred
catbedjoke.gif 646378xb7pmu4huz.gif

 

The grooming spot is in the wrong place. I have a black mohair area where the "napping quarters" are. And what is it about cats that they avoid the cotton cloths put on the bed for them to groom on? My poor bed covers are ripe from the frequent washing. Darned cats :biggrin:

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