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Post your JOKES here:

 

Remember - keep them short and sweet!

 

Do NOT reply to posts here.

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MsPlod

Late one afternoon, a man walked into a pub - carrying a large brief case, which he placed carefully on the bar counter - and ordered a drink.

After a while, the bartender asked about the music emanating from the briefcase. The man opened the briefcase to reveal a really tiny human - dressed in a tuxedo - seated at an equally tiny grand-piano.

After watching the little pianist playing some excellent jazz for a few minutes, the bartender also noticed an oddly-shaped, old brass lamp in the briefcase which the man explained was a genies' lamp. The bartender asked whether he might look at the lamp and rubbed it with his sleeve to bring up the polish.

POOF! The genie appeared and offered the bartender a wish. The bartender immediately wished for “lots of bucks” whereupon the entire bar was filled with thousands of ducks of all descriptions. Black, brown, green, blue, yellow, large and small.

After managing the duck chaos the bartender asked the man – “So, what’s with the genie?”

The man, rather sadly, replied “He has a hearing problem, how else do you think I ended up with a ten-inch pianist?”:P

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lilythepink

Titles of the World's Thinnest Books

 

FRENCH WAR HEROES

by Jacques Chirac

 

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda

 

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AEROPLANE

by John Denver

 

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hilary Clinton

 

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

 

MY WILD YEARS

by Al Gore

 

DETROIT

a Travel Guide

 

A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr J Kervorkian

 

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

 

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O J Simpson

 

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction by The Rev Jesse Jackson

 

OTHER LITTLE KNOWN BOOKS:

 

"Spots on the Wall" by Hu Flung Dung

"Blue Skies" by Semour Brooks

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lilythepink

The Van Gogh Family Tree

 

His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------Verti Gogh

 

The brother who ate prunes ---------------------Gotta Gogh

 

The brother who worked at a convenience store --Stop n Gogh

 

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------U Gogh

 

The cousin from Illinois -----------------------Chica Gogh

 

His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh

 

His Mexican cousin -----------------------------Amee Gogh

 

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -----Gring Gogh

 

The nephew who drove a stage coach--------------Wells-far Gogh

 

The constipated uncle --------------------------Can't Gogh

 

The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------Tang Gogh

 

The bird lover uncle ---------------------------Flamin Gogh

 

His nephew psychoanalyst -----------------------E Gogh

 

The fruit loving cousin ------------------------Man Gogh

 

An aunt who taught positive thinking -----------Way-to-Gogh

 

The little bouncy nephew -----------------------Poe Gogh

 

A sister who loved disco -----------------------Go Gogh

 

His niece who lives in a motor-home ------------Winnie Bay Gogh

 

Well, there you Gogh!

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lilythepink

Some crazy student "bloopers" ...

 

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

 

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

 

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

 

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

 

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

 

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

 

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

 

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

 

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

 

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

 

"Vacuum: A large, mansion where the pope lives."

 

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

 

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

 

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

 

"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."

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MsPlod

Some folks have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

 

A 65-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 65-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open." :P

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MsPlod

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

 

He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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Scarboro Fair

Teaching Maths through the decades...

 

Teaching Maths in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

 

 

Teaching Maths in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.

What is his profit?

 

 

Teaching Maths in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.

The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.

Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."

The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."

Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:

What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

 

 

Teaching Maths in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

 

 

Teaching Maths in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:

How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?

There are no wrong answers.

 

 

Teaching Maths in 2000:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.

His cost of production is $120.

How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

 

Teaching Maths in 2010:

First read your history and biology books to understand the concept of forests and trees.

Add all information to your Blog or your Facebook page.

Hypothetically - would cutting down one tree reduce or increase the threat to global climate change? Explain...

Text your answers via Blackberry!

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Cali Craft and Gems

EXERCISE FOR ALL PEOPLE

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

 

With a 5-kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

 

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato bags.

 

Then try 50-kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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MsPlod

The good ole days....

 

Jannie's Oupa was reminiscing about the good old days...... "Jantjie"! ....... he started with sad tears running down his weathered cheeks , "When I was a seuntjie, my mother could send me down to the shop , the one near the bus stop, with one shilling........ and I come back with bag of potatoes, two loaves bread, three bottles of milk, a big piece of cheese, one packet of tea, and six - sometimes eight - eggs"! ....."Nee man! ......... You can not do that nomore now!!! Too many security cameras." :P

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lilythepink

LETTER HOME FROM A FARMER'S SON WHO IS TRAINING AS A MARINE CORPS RECRUIT:

 

"Dear Ma and Pa

I am well and hope you are too. Tell my two brothers that the Marine Corps beats working for Farmer Brown by miles. Tell them to join up quickly before all the vacancies get filled.

I was restless at first because I get to sleep in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but am getting to enjoy sleeping late. All one has to do before breakfast is smooth out your bed and shine some things. No pigs to feed, mash to mix, wood to split or fire to lay. There is practically nothing to do before breakfast. We have to shave but that is not too bad as there is warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, stead, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but you can always sit alongside two city boys who live on coffee. Their food plus yours keeps you going till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder the city boys can't walk far. We go on route marches which the platoon sergeant says are to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him any different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox back home. The city guys get sore feet and we all ride back to base in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

This will kill you all with laughing - I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is nearly as big as a squirrel's head and doesn't move and it isn't like shooting the wild pigs on the farm. All I have to do here is lie comfortably and hit the bulls-eye. I don't even have to load my own cartridges as they come in boxes.

Then we have what is called hand-to-hand combat training. I get to wrestle with the city boys but I have to be real careful because they break easily. It isn't anything like controlling the old bull at home.

I'm the best fighter they have here except for old Toons from over in the Free State. I only beat him once. He joined up same time as me but I'm only 5" 6" tall and weigh 70 kg. He's 6" 8" tall and weighs 180 kg.

Tell my brothers to hurry up and come join before other folks catch on to this easy way of earning money.

Your loving daughter

Wilhelmina"

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jacque31

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave… I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

 

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker Dave asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

 

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

 

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

 

When my co-worker Dave followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'

 

He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.' :P

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treasureisland

drivers license

 

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…

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lilythepink

My acknowledgement to Dr Phil Humbert for these:

 

Remember these? For those who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before the highways, when everyone drove the old two-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream of the time.

 

Here are some of the actual signs:

 

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE

YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT

Burma Shave

 

DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING

Burma Shave

 

BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE

ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE

Burma Shave

 

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE

Burma Shave

 

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER

LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE

Burma Shave

 

AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT

BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT?

Burma Shave

 

SPEED WAS HIGH, WEATHER WAS HOT

TIRES WERE THIN, X MARKS THE SPOT

Burma Shave

 

A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN

IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN'

Burma Shave

 

THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING

DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING

Burma Shave

 

And my all time favorite:

 

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW

LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW

Burma Shave

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afriventure

The GOOD Old Days!!

 

1957 VS 2010

 

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school

 

1957-Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies

 

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention

 

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students

 

1957- Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again

 

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disorder

 

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt

 

1957- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

 

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

 

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school

 

1957- Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

 

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

 

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest

 

1957 - Ants die.

 

2010- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

 

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him

 

1957- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

 

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy

 

Think about it!

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kyle2

Proof That The World Is Nuts

 

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

 

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

 

(Let's just think for a minute; is there

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

 

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

 

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

 

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

 

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises..'

 

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

 

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of?)

 

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Butterflies taste with their feet.

 

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

 

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Starfish don't have brains.

 

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

And, the best for last?

 

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

 

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)g!)

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kyle2

Inner Peace?

 

Inner Peace: This is so true

 

 

If you can start the day without caffeine,

 

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

 

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

 

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

 

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

 

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

 

If you can relax without liquor,

 

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

 

 

....Then You Are Probably .........

 

 

 

 

 

The Family Dog! :P

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eZethu Coins
Inner Peace: This is so true

 

 

If you can start the day without caffeine,

 

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

 

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

 

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

 

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

 

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

 

If you can relax without liquor,

 

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

 

 

....Then You Are Probably .........

 

 

 

 

 

The Family Dog! :P

 

I was doing fine until I finished reading the first condition - rushing out for a cup quick :D

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kyle2

Blondes again!

 

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.

The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!":p

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lilythepink

Today's Stock Market Report

 

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Carlton Tissue touched a new bottom.

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kyle2

The world through a childs eyes.

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

 

~

 

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing G*D.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what G*D looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

 

~

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

 

~

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . G*D is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. G*D is watching the apples.'

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BumbleBee

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

 

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

 

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,

'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

 

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

 

A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

 

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

 

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

 

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

 

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

 

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

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kyle2

You've gotta Love drunk people!

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the

door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

 

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

 

'Did you help him?' she asks.

 

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out

there!'

 

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember

about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding

rain.

 

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

 

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

 

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

 

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

 

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

 

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

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kyle2

The Mailman's Last Day

 

 

 

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who

Congratulated himand sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

 

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom -- where they had a most passionate liaison

Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'..All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .......but what's the dollar for?'

 

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do

Something special for you I asked him what to give you?'

He said, "....Scr*w him ........give him a dollar."

She then blushed and added, '.....But the breakfast was my idea!

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lilythepink

A warning to all women ...

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

 

My backside was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new backside was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.

 

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

 

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the World wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

 

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

 

P.P.S. Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes! How do they do that????

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